Currently Hope for Your Heart: Finding Strength in Life's Storms By June Hunt see related

I haven’t got time for this pain that plagues me. I have things to do, people to take care of, and clutter to get rid of. Yes, that’s right, I want to do some Spring cleaning. However that isn’t part of the plan for me right now. It’s so hard to be content when you can’t do anything but sit and rest. You can’t read because it hurts to concentrate. You can’t clean and fold laundry because it hurts to move. You can’t watch TV because it’s all about the things you can’t do and you are just being reminded. So, I decided to cry about it and complain about it. Yes, I kind of feel better because I threw it all out there, but I also feel bad because I threw it all out there. Sometimes I’m too hard on myself. I’m just human. Sometimes you try so hard to see the silver lining or make some stinking lemonade out of sour lemons. Sometimes you just got to cry about it and get the frustration out. Talking about it with a friend helps too. It’s kind of funny because the last time I was throwing myself a pity party the same friend text messaged me. I guess God knew I would start thinking reasonably again if He sent her my way again. While texting I also remembered some other things God spoke to me this weekend. God has not forgotten about me nor put me aside. He has been preparing my heart. He is my anchor. My hope is in Him. He will not keep me waiting longer than need be. His way is perfect.

“When God builds a waiting period into the course of your affairs, it means that what He is doing requires it. His apparent delays are loving, purposeful, and deliberate.”
-Jennifer Kennedy Dean

Maybe there are still things emotionally that I have not healed from. Perhaps, I need to just quit fighting this pain and just accept that it will happen sometimes. When it does I need to take it easy and stop focusing on the pain and what I can not do. I don’t know all the plans God has for me, but I know His plans are for good. I know that He will not forsake me. He is always here and He has always been the constant in my life. When times have been the worst, He has heard my cries. When I wasn’t strong enough, He gave me strength.

“I wait for you O Lord; you will answer, O Lord my God.” -Psalm 38:15

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope" -Psalm 130:5

Your answer, Your will

Your answer
Your will
Means more than riches

Your answer
Your will
I desire most

Your answer
Your will
Keeps me alive
Teaches me to live

Your answer
Your will
Are like the air I breathe
Necessary

Peace, love, & Jesus,

helmschick --out

I had a really rough four years. The wear and tear of emotional pain and heartfelt grief morphed into physical pain. My thoughts were restless and seriously lacked any kind of peace. I was indeed a whirlwind of emotion. I cried a lot. I cried myself to sleep. I cried when I woke up.  I had difficulty sleeping. It was a combination of not wanting to go to sleep and sometimes being unable to fall asleep. I would stay up until 3 a.m. and get up at 6:30 a.m. to take my kids to school. So, also not enough sleep. When I did sleep, I clenched my teeth. Sometimes, unknowingly while I was awake I was also clenching my teeth. The physical pain I felt was excruciating. My face was incapacitating me. That's when we learned that I had developed Tmj.

Almost a year prior to developing Tmj, I had my wisdom teeth removed. The pain I felt after the procedure (almost immediately) was insane. My cheeks were swollen. I could barely open my mouth and did not even want to try. The doctor told my husband that I had the wisdom teeth of a 300lb man. The doctor was amazed. He also reported that they really had to "work" to get them out. I am fairly certain that a combination of this surgery and the stress I was enduring are the reasons why I have Tmj.

The first Tmj doctor I had, wanted me to get a mouth guard. He also wanted me to pay 3,000 dollars. I couldn't afford it. He treated me with meds, such as pain relievers, muscle relaxers, and stress/panic meds. Then his nurse taught me some mouth exercises I could do to relax and stretch the muscles. He also suggested some massage therapy. It helped for a little while. Then one day it all "magically disappeared". I thought maybe I was miraculously healed. Then 3-6 months later, I was back in the same boat. I went to see him again, but all he had to offer was again stuff to mask the pain (in my opinion). I was so frustrated. Then I woke up one day and thought why not get a second opinion!

My second Tmj doctor was A W E S O M E. He was motivated to get me better. Doc explained that Tmj was like a fire and from time to time things were going to poke the fire. His job was to help me get my muscles relaxed again and work on ways to manage/prepare for when they started to flare back up again. I also purchased a mouth guard from him for 550 dollars.

 This is what I have learned from it all.  C.S. Lewis, once said, "Pain is God's megaphone." I don't ever want to just "mask" pain, issues, or conflict of any kind in my life. You can distract yourself all you want, but its a limited time offer. Whatever your trying to mask or pull the proverbial rug over will manifest itself again. I would rather work through life's pains with God honest truth and then change, forgive, and heal, than be bound by manipulation, people pleasing, anger, or bitterness. I hope that I always choose freedom and love, because that is what is in my heart, God given. Despite all I have been through and I can testify to some serious storms, I am a lucky and grateful chick(woman).

Peace, love, and Jesus,

helmschick --out

P.S. I am currently receiving acupuncture for my muscles and my muscles are the most relaxed they've been in months. I don't know if this is the final answer, but being able to function like I am suppose to is truly a blessing. I know I am not alone in any of this and God is working on me in more ways than one.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.”  ~ Reinhold Niebuhrs

                       Your face to face with a defining moment. Lines were crossed and you can’t go back to who you were, what was, or what might have been. Change has come. All you have is what’s now and the possibility of what can be. Life happens. People happen. Free choice and free will are exercised. You are only responsible for your choices. This is sometimes the hardest truth to swallow. You can hope for the best. You can pray and you should pray for the best. But, in the end the only choices and free will you can change are yours. Choose wisely. Choose life. Choose to persevere. Choose to be a man or woman of integrity. Be accountable for your actions. Love selflessly.

  Peace, love, & Jesus,

  helmschick ~out

The key to happiness is not being loved, but having someone to love.  ~Annonymous

Love is a verb. ~ DC Talk

Love is the irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly. ~Robert Frost

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.  ~C.S. Lewis

I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. ~ Song of Solomon 6:3

I have found the one my soul loves. ~ Song of Solomon 3:4

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:13

These are a few love quotes that I am very fond of and wanted to share. Many have poetically written about love in poems, songs, and books. One of my favorite books, A Grief Observed was actually C.S. Lewis's journal he kept after his wife died. I've read that book many times and yes it makes me cry. I thought wow to find a man who loves a woman like that! That's what I want! It is also a book about a man wrestling with his maker through grief. It is honest and gut wrenching. I appreciate that kind of honesty and realness. Alot of us gals, grow-up with the dreams of being a princess and living happily ever after. But, life is not always happily ever after. Life is more like the marriage vows for better or worse. What I have come to find is that instead of hoping for a perfect love with your mate it is better to have a love that conquers all. I am so blessed to have a husband who truly loves me and weathers the storms of life with me. For better and worse. In sickness and in health.

Peace, love, & Jesus,

helmschick -out

P.S. I love you like a love song baby and i keep hitting Reh pe pe pe pe peat! ~ Selena Gomez

I am the apple of His eye
I am His masterpiece
There is no condemnation
I am free

I am loved
I am embraced
I am comforted
I am saved

I am strengthened
I am encouraged
I am held
I am brave

I am beautiful
I am never the same.

I've been called hateful, a bitch, a terrorist, and un-christlike. ( And that’s just in the past two years)

Many have offered their opinion. I’m not looking for suggestions. I've never asked anyone to take sides. All I have asked of anyone is for prayer and truth. I have remained quiet, but today I break the silence.

I do not write this to justify my actions. I write this because some are confused about the kind of person I am or what I stand for. So, I wish to clarify and then I ask you again for prayer.

I don’t  act out of hate. I am moved by love. I seek truth. I try everyday to live a life obedient to Christ. I choose to live freely. I choose to surround myself with people that are positive and encouraging.  I choose to have healthy boundaries.  I am an adult and I wish to be treated as an adult. I won’t get tangled in a web of manipulation and people pleasing.

               No relationships are ever healed by pushing things under a rug. Every relationship needs communication and respect.  Agreeing to disagree does not apply when truth is compromised.

 I have worked through a lot of emotional pain in the past three years. God has been healing me. I have extended forgiveness, sometimes when it was asked of me and sometimes even though it wasn't.  Forgiveness is not the same as resolution. Just as acknowledgement and apology are not the same.

In the end the only people who can resolve a problem in a relationship are those whom are involved in the relationship. So, please no more pieces of your mind. Please just give me peace.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing..." 
                     C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Nobody wants them. Pain and grief are unwelcome guests. 

 What I have learned( by the grace of God), is sometimes you can't make "sense" or logic out of things that happen. And it's so completely hard for us human beings to handle that. But, we aren't suppose to understand everything. Somethings that happen to us aren't good. They are cruel and heartbreaking. They threaten to level us and reach the very core of us. They cause us to wrestle with our maker and kick and scream WHY?!! They break us but they don't end us. In the end we grow stronger in our faith and God doesn't waste anything we've been through. He uses it to minister to others. He gives us beauty for our ashes. He restores us. He rebuilds relationships. He renews life.

If your struggling right now keep the faith. Trust Him. Go ahead argue with Him. Tell Him your angry and hurt. Be honest with Him, because He already knows. I was angry with God. I told Him. In the end I realized it wasn't Him that hurt me. God doesn't toy with us. He is a loving Father. He comforts us. He loves us and He never forsakes us.

Peace, love, & Jesus,

helmschick

A good friend sent me a book over a year and a half ago. I was learning to take life one moment at a time, all over again. Life as I knew it would never be the same again. Although, I sank into a pit of grief, I eventually made my way out of the pit. I trusted God would be faithful, even though I wrestled with Him. I questioned Him and begged him to help me understand. I learned that somethings we will never have full answers to or a complete understanding. Recently I picked this book up again to send to a friend. I opened up the book and this is what spoke to me...

Just Enough Light

"Sometimes only the step I'm on,
or the very next one ahead,
is all that is illuminated for me.
God gives just the amount of light I need
for the exact moment I need it.
At those times I walk in surrender to faith,
unable to see the future
and not fully comprehending the past.
And because it is God who has given me
what light I have,
I know I must reject the fear and
doubt that threaten to overtake me.
I must determine to be content where
I am, and allow God to get me where I need to go.
I walk forward,
one step at a time,
fully trusting that
the light God sheds
is absolutely sufficient."                Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On: Trusting God in the Tough Times
                                                                             by: Stormie OMartian

All i can add to that is Amen!

- helmschick

Honestly...  Seriously! ... and Truthfully...

I am in pain. Physically/emotionally. I grieve.
Physically for over two months, pain from a clenched jaw- miofacial pain- face muscle pain- due to clenching my jaw- due to stress-

Lets face it stress is not good for us.

Emotionally, I've been hurting. I've been struggling, wrestling with my God. (my Father)- because I am human.

                                                  I want answers-
                                                  I want understanding-
                                                  I do. But, I don't-
                                            I really don't.

Nothing can be undone-
All I'm allowed to do is grieve and move on- Get over it - Get through it - Get under it- Whatever-- However?

I sound like I'm rambling. I sound like I'm falling apart?
But, REALLY
      -I've come a long way-

Not only all of this madness of learning how to deal with my own "plate".
But, watching those I love mostest  around me - struggling- cowering-
      making decisions, I don't understand and cannot give my opinion on or should I?

Why do I wrestle with a sovereign God
Why do I kick my feet and squirm like a child
Why do I ask WHY?

I use to encourage. I use to want to inspire. I use to desire so much more.... want so much more..

I'm still trying to rise above my  trauma, the drama of this life-

Right now I'm still a sparrow, who still wishes to be an eagle...
But, does nothing to try...
This pain has drained me-
I just want to be healed.

And so I cry when I must, I vent when I must, I rest when I must,
And by the grace of God I persevere... and at some point I will no longer wrestle
One day at a time....

My father is still molding me
He holds me
He restores me

-helmschick

Next week I turn 30. For about a year I was psyched about it. Then there was a big glitch in my plan.

This year by far has been one of the toughest and most painful. For a few months the enemy tried his hardest to incapacitate me. Pain of any kind is difficult. It can knock the wind out of you and most times it has you begging for mercy. However, life is getting better. I take it one day at a time.

Right now, "figuratively" I walk with a limp. Some days I feel it more than others, but I am still persevering. God is going to heal this hurt. He is healing it. The silence was almost deafening last night, but today is so completely different.

I'm letting go of my plans for turning 30 and whatever I thought might make it THE pivotal moment.(even though it may still prove to be so/ just different from what i expected). I'm letting go of all of the life I thought I'd have sorted out, behind me, or healed from. It's all in God's hands.

-helmschick